Alfred Gump
by Bruce the Duck
Summary: Written in the style of "Forrest Gum" and "Gump & Co." by Winston Groom, this story follows the music and madness of pop-satirist "Weird Al" Yankovic, through the eyes of Forrest Gump. The misspellings and poor grammar are INTENTIONAL, as in the books.
1. Meeting Ricky Ricardo and Lisa Frump

Chapter 1  
  
Meeting Ricky Ricardo and Lisa Frump  
  
Did I ever tell you bout the time I saw a live tapin of the I Love Lucy show? It was this one where Ricky Ricardo is doin a show an Lucy wants to be in it, but Ricky won't let her. So Lucy an Ethel come up wit a plan to git Lucy on the show. They say it is a new episode, but I am thinkin that I has seen it afore. Anyhow, after the show they let a bunch of us come up an meet Mr. Desi Arnez hisself. While I am waitin in line I think no one's watchin so I pick this big piece of snot right out of my nose. So I'm waitin in line with this big ole piece of snot on my finger an I can't shake it off. So when I git to the front of the line, I kind of hide it behind my back. Mr. Arnaz asks me, "How are you, sir?"  
  
Well, I didn't know what to say, so I just showed him my finger an said, "I gotta boogie!" He must've passed the frase onto some of his music friends cause some time later, people is ritin songs called disco that is about boogies. Why anyone would rite a song about snot, I do not know.   
  
By the way, before that show started they gave us little bowls of Rocky Road ice cream, which I liked very much. That is what started my addiction to Rocky Road. I couldn't stop eatin the stuff. It was so good. I ate it all the time. Then in about March, they startid this contest. There was about 27 tickets inside boxes of Rocky Road ice cream. And sure enough, I won! The prize was a life-time supply of Rocky Road ice cream and a trip to England to visit Buckingham Palace.   
  
First, I gotta say, the whole trip was a bunch of crap! I dint even see Big Ben or the London Bridge. I just had to watch the princess and prince get pictures taken of theyselves and drink tea. Also, they stuffed me with that ice cream so much that now my addiction is cured. The prince said somethin to me, but he must've been talkin in chinees or somethin cause I couldn't understand what he is sayin. That's all I got to say bout that trip, except that somethin funny happind on the plane back. I am eatin the peanuts when I realize that it is my birthday. I kinda get too excited and shout to everone that it is my birthday. Right then, a man decidid to hijack the plane an I am getin scart. I am thinkin of runnin but there is nowhere to run to. So what I do is, I dump my last carton of Rocky Road ice cream on his head an he falls own an the guard people take him somewheres. Everbody is saying what a hero I am, but when I git home, I is not so lucky.   
  
I am comin home in a taxi an I see that they is towin my car away. I just jump out an start chasin the tow truck all over town. Since I am such a good runner, I finally catch him. It turns out that I spent all my money on Rocky Road an now I is broke an can't pay for my car inshurance. I start walkin home an about half the way I stop at this deli an get some balogna to eat. You know, you never know ho good bologna is until you're flat broke. That is what startid my second addiction. I startid workin all the time at Big Roy's Heating and Plumbing just so I could buy bologna. Also, I saved some money so I could pay off my dept. I kept telling them that the check was in the mail, but they don't believe me. So, they is threatenin to sue me an I just say to them, "Get in line." Cause now a whole lot of people is tryin to sue me. The people at the tee vee studio want to sue me for showin Ricky Ricardo my snot, the contest people want to sue me cause I called the Prince and Princess fakes, the airport is suin me for spillin Rocky Road on the plan's carpet, and even Big Roy wants to sue me cause he thinks I am stealin supplies, which is stupid cause who would want to steal a lousy plunger?  
  
So after everone is done suin me, I haf to find myself another job. An I am takin the bus everwhere now. I was a real crummy bus. It was all hot an the people smelled like somethin terribul. One time I am sittin next to this guy that smells like balogna, which is what stopped my addiction. Another time there was this freaky guy kinda like the folks Jenny Curran used to hang around with. He was wearin all kinds of weirdo clothes an green sun glasses. He asked me what my sign was an I don't know what he meant by that so I just showed him that thing they do on Star Trek. The next time there is a girl named Lisa Frump. We startid to date, but then she got mad cause she says I am concetid. I guess this is true since I am always telling her bout my life an bout how groovy I am.   
  
We broke up, but I still went to see her father, who was in this iron lung thing. I went to the hospital ever day just to see him on account of I ain't found no job yet. I talk to him bout stuff just like I talk to you, but he just makes some stupid noise cause he can't talk. One day somethin bad happind: Mr. Frump died! That's all I got to say about that. 


	2. The Suedin Bidness

Chapter 2   
  
The Suedin Bidness  
  
All of a suddin I git real depressed an I wouldn't eat or drink or nothin. Leutenint Dan came over an he is tellin me to eat, but I am just too sad on account of Mr. Frump dyin to eat. Besides, since I ain't eatin nothin in a few days, all my food has gone bad. So, Dan, he takes me to the grocery store to get more food. While we is in the register lane, I am tellin Dan, "Lisa lef me an I am broke an Mama an Bubba an Jenny an Mr. Frump has all died. All I have lef is you, Leutenint Dan." Then afore Dan could say anything I saw this tabloid magazine called Midnight Star. There was this article that said, "Millions To Be Made In Suede."   
  
I had myself an idea of how I was gonna be rich. I was gonna watch Jeopardy an then learn about the stuff that they ask about an then win myself a whole lot of money on the show which I would use to start my suede bidness. I watched this one episode where they asked bout zilofones, Jamaica, Renaissance, Pot Pouri, The Brady Bunch, an Eucalyptus. Since I don't know what most of the stuff is, I just studied Jamaica an Brady Bunch.   
  
First, I watched a marathon of Brady Bunch an let me tell you, it is a bunch of crap! They is about ten people in one house an they is only one bathroom an no toilet even. An they is always gettin along with each other. I would have rather watched anythin else but that, but I had to learn so I could win on Jeopardy. Next, I took a visit to Jamaica. It was okay except they is all wearin somethin in their hair called goldy-locks or somethin. An they is listenin to music by Bob Marley. It is okay I guess. They made me a tie die shirt afore I left.   
  
So now that I was a expert on Brady Bunch an Jamaica, I went to try out for the Jeopardy show. They aks me some real hard questions bout Jamaica that I git right away, an so they let me go on the show.   
  
So there I was, Leutenint Dan was in the audience. There was big lights an stuff an I am gettin scart when Art Fleming hisself comes out. Would you believe it? The whole time, there wasn't one question bout Brady Bunch or Jamaica! However, they is some questions bout pot pourri. Maybe I should've studied that. Well, I went blank an lost the game. Everbody, even Don Pardo, was lafin at me.   
  
After they threw me out of the studio, I looked at that Midnight Star paper again. I read the article again. I had messed up! It said that to make millions in suede, you have to come up with some new suede product. So, I is walkin home, tryin to come up with a idea. I stop an watch this polka band playin on 45th Street. I liked listenin to the polkas on 45. They is good an they give me a great idea: The Suede Accordian Case!   
  
Well, you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but they became the latest craze. I startid makin them in different colors, then Dan startid helpin me. Then they done startid a whole factory of suede accordian covers. I even went on this Mr. Popeil show, where Mr. Popeil was helpin me sell my product by givin away all kinds of free crap with it. The article was right! I was a millionaire in no time!   
  
I even startid this suede store called "King of Suede" where I sold just suede stuff. There was this place next door called "Willie's Fun Arcade" that I would go to an play Pac-Man when I wasn't workin. I loved that game. It soon startid another addiction which was quickly ended when my company bought Willie's an turned it into a movie theater which is stupid cause movies ain't got nothin to do with suede.   
  
By the way, you know who I saw at the suede store one time? It was Jimmy the Geek from high school. We were friends in high school, except nobody liked him on account of his being such a big nerd. Only now he is rich an famous an got a dance studio an everbody be callin him Diamond Jim. I don't get it tho, cause he still looks like a geek.   
  
Anyway, about the movie theater, the first thing we show is a film bout this boxer who goes broke an starts a deli. Its not like the old boxin movies where they is just a bunch of fightin. There is only one fight scene and that is when Rocky beats up some customer on account of he wants white bread, but they only serve rye or keiser.   
  
The second film we show is a 3-D movie called "Nature Trail to Hell" where this maniac chps up a bunch of kids when they is at camp. It was pretty good. Soon after we showed that film, the people who seen it startid to complain that the suede smelt like cheez whiz. I think those people has got they noses on backwards, but anyhow my suedin bidness is forced to shut down an I am again, out of a job. 


	3. How I Saved the World

Chapter 3  
  
How I Saved The World  
  
So there I am again, walkin my lousy self home, not knowin what'll happen nex. When I git home they is a man there who says he is from the hospital wherer Mr. Frump stayed. He says they are being shut down if they don't git a doctor. So I aks why they want a idiot like me an they say they saw me with Mr. Frump an besides, they is desperate. So I say okay an become a doctor.   
  
My first patient is some nut who is always sayin stupid quotes an idioms an stuff. I think the surjery went good cause he's gone an they is givin me all kinds of money. On the way home that day, I am passin by this pet store, so I decide to just go in an git myself a new pet duck. I taught that duck, who I named Bruce, a lot of neat tricks. Like washin my car an stuff.   
  
Also, the woman that sold me the duck was good ole Lisa Frump. When I told her that I was a rich doctor, she came back to me. Would you believe it? After a while of the duck poking at Lisa, she got mad an said she didn't want to see me no more an I kinda got mad an told her that I didn't want to see her no how an that I couldn't sand one more minute with her scrawny little neck. At this, she got even madder, as you could imagine.   
  
Well, back at the hospital, there is this new patient that was a little midget with big ears an green skin. His name is Yoda. I brung this little shot that I was supposed to give him He didn't want the shot so what he did was just lift up his hand an the tee vee flung off the wall an hit me in the head. But he was an okay fellow I guess. One time, he even taught me how to swing around on trees, just like that George of the Jungle on tee vee. The only problem is ever time I try to do the trick, I end up crashin into a tree.   
  
Anyhow, I am scheduled to do an important surjery for Yoda, but it was not a success. Yoda died. Because of this, I am fired an the hospital is closed down.   
  
So no that I ain't no doctor no more, I am just doin the George of the Jungle impression for kids' parties. It made me pretty good money, I guess, but the kids would all just laf at me. Until one day some aliens start attackin the whole world! Everone is panickin an the army is fightin them off. They is a bunch of green slime creatures in a shuttle outside my window one day while I am practicing my tree swingin. I missed the tree an crashed into the space ship by mistake. This made the aliens get real scart an go back to outer space. For this, the government is callin me a hero an givin me a whole buttload of money an all of a suddin I am rich again an Lisa Frump is back!   
  
The day she came back I took her to lunch. If I learned one thing from Lisa, it is that girls really love to eat lunch. That's all they wanna do. Eat lunch. I been addicted to lots of things, but I think girls is all just addicted to lunch.   
  
Anyhow, this is the life, being rich as heck! I got myself bout a million cars an I even got a guy to chew my food for me. And another to chew Lisa's lunch. I even got my own movie theater where I watch movies like Rocky, Empire Strikes Back, Nature Trail To Hell, an this Michael Keaton movie called "Johnny Dangerously." That last one was a real good movie. It's much better than that Batman crap he did later. Also, for the first time, I got this great big cable television set. I has found myself a new addiction. I was watchin tee vee all day an all night. I watched cartoons, sports, sitcoms, talk shows, mysteries, news, gameshows, westerns, soapoperas, MTV, an ever thing you can think of. But one thing really got my attention. It was the Polka Channel. It was 24 hours of polka music, just like that band I saw on 45th Street. Once again I have got myself a new addiction. I have become a polkaholic. Now this particular addiction got me into a whole lot of trouble. Yessiree! 


	4. Life as a Polkaholic

Chapter 4  
  
Life as a Polkaholic  
  
Now there I am sittin in the tub, watchin the Polka Channel, when they show this ad for a Polka Dance Contest. I got excited an called up right away. This turned out to be a big mistake, cause this contest is what got me my hernia. First of all, they make you fill out all kinds of forms to be in the contest. It remindid me of when I was in the suedin bidness an had to work in a big office with this stapler, some white-out, an a box of stale jelly dougnuts.   
  
Now, I really like jelly dougnuts, but you can not eat them everday. So, I startid eatin somethin healthy: Potatoes! This became another addiction for me. I was uncontrollable. I ate all kinds of spuds. Mashed spuds, French fried spuds, spud chips, spud salad, spud cake, spud soup, spud omlete, spud cookies, spud sandwiches, sweet spuds, cherry spuds, orange spuds, apple-spud sauce, spud pancakes, hash browned spuds, spud pizza...an that's about it.   
  
Anyhow, it was the day of the contest. When I woke up, I fell down the steps an tripped over my cat. I just knew right then that it was gonna be one of those days. So, I go to the Polka Party Contest an when we is all dancin, I kind of do this crazy twist an fall down. When I wake up at the hospital, they say I has got a hernia an can't walk good no more. I couldn't bowl, play tennis, run, play football, or even play table tennis. It reminded me of when I was a kid an had them braces on my legs to help me walk.   
  
Well, when the hospital finally let me out an finished takin all my money, I went home an found this message from the NBC channel that says they want me to be on the Tonight Show an tell about how I saved the planet from the alien invasion. Well, I am waitin in the back an Mr. Ed McMahon does his famous "Here's Johnny!" introduction an Mr. Johnny Carson hisself comes out! He tells some stupid jokes about President Regan, then he introduced me.   
  
"Tonight," he says, "I have the pleasure to welcome the man who saved us from the alien invasion, Mr. Forrest Gump." Everbody is clappin an I is walkin all dumb with my hernia, an sit next to chubby. First, he is askin about my suede company, an Yoda, an my George of the Jungle impression, an how I got rich savin the planet. Then he starts askin bout what my plans are an I tell him that I am not sure on account of I got a hernia in a polka contest an had to spend all my money gettin it fixed.  
  
Well, now everbody is lafin at me an I feel like a big idiot, which I am. Even the big fat Ed McMahon is chuckling louder than ever.   
  
Well, when I git home, Lisa tells me that there is a crismis party in a few weeks an that she boughta new pair of shoes for it. Now I tell you, I've seen some ugly shoes, but these were the ugliest I have ever seen. Mama always said that you can tell a lot about a person from their shoes. Lisa must've been the screwiest sombitch in the world cause those shoes is just so ugly. When I tell her this, she gets mad an hits me in the jaw, which caused me to lose all my teeth! But luckily I had enough money left over to git them fixed, so I am not a toothless person for too long.   
  
I kinda felt bad about telling Lisa how ugly her shoes were an about gittin my teeth kicked in, so I rite her a song telling her how much I kinda love her a little bit an how she is good enough, at least for now, that is. Well, can you believe it? I sang the song for her crismis present an she left me right then! So now, I is goin to the crismis party myself an I am just so upset that, well, I just decided to blow up the whole place. I shouldn't have done it, but I was really upset. That insidint is what caused me to be placed in the mental institushin. An let me tell you, that was no fun at all! 


	5. From the Nuthouse to the Poor House

Chapter 5  
  
From the Nuthouse to the Poor House  
  
I was in the mental home for a very long time. It was real boring. There was nothing to do all day but eat. So soon enough I is big as the Good Year Blimp. They said I was the fattest nut they ever had.   
  
After a few weeks in the place, they sent me to therapy. Dr. Jackson is the shrink an I lay down on his couch an he wants me to tell him my dreams. So I tell him bout my dreams about gettin stuck in a closet with the host of that game show we is always watchin bout 7:00. That is bout the only show they let us watch cept Jeopardy. We watched Wheel of Fortune an Jeopardy everday. An ya know what? They still ain't had no questions bout Brady Bunch or Jamaica yet.   
  
Anyhow, Dr. Jackson thinks I is nuts an tells me that a good way to deal with problems is to rite songs or poetry. Well, since I am a idiot, I don't know what poetry is so I write a song. I sand it to Dr. Jackson an he says it's terrble. I tell him that it is real hard to write a song on account of I could only think of six words.   
  
Well, one time while he is askin me bout what I see in a blotch of ink I got all frustrated an tell him that he's makin me nuts. The whole stinkin place makes me wanna stick a pitchfork in my brain. Just about that time, a differint doctor is offerin me a chance to leave the hospital early if I take part in a revolutionary new surjery called cloning. I agreed to do it. At first I thought they is gonna turn me into a clown an make me work in a circus. But I soon learn that they has made another me. Now there is 2 Forrest Gumps, except I call the new one Forrest 2. Now, why they'd want to clone a idiot , I do not know, but Forrest 2 looks exactly like me.   
  
After they let us out, me an Forrest 2 startid a restaurant chain called Lasagna Twins with the money they gave us. We served Italian food. Well, our restaurant is doin real good an we is gettin all kinds of customers. One lady that comes in a lot is named Melanie. One day, when I is lookin out my winder with my telescope, I can see a woman takin a shower in the Gailmore buildin next door. An would you believe it was Melanie herself?   
  
Well, I went over an told her that saw her nekid an asked her if she wanna go out some time an git lunch. I think this must be the only girl that doesn't like lunch, cause she slammed the door in my face. Well, I keep on askin Melanie out an ever time she rejected me. One time, she finally let me talk to her an I is tellin her bout my life an how rich the Lasagna Twins company is an all of a suddin she asks me to marry her. Well I do, an was I sorry! About a week later, she is sayin that I ain't satisfyin her an that she wants a divorce.   
  
She took almost all of my money in alimony. About all I had left was my velvet Elvis picture, which is very important to me an she knows this so she lets me keep it. It's important to me cause Jenny gave it to me when she was still alive. Plus it's good for coverin up the big old hole in the wall of my crummy apartmen I got to live in. Also, she let me keep this crummy game called Twister. I don't think I ever played it afore, an I didn't know what to do with the mat, so I just used it for rappin paper.   
  
Well, after awhile, I got tired of running the restaurant, so I give the company to Forrest 2 an go live with Leutenint Dan in a cabin in the woods. Well I tell you, those were the good old days. Dan would be makin breakfast an I'd be thinkin up new ways to torture Melanie to pay her back for rippin me off. I finally did come up with a revenge, but I'll tell you bout that later. 


	6. How I Met Seymore

Chapter 6  
  
How I Met Seymore  
  
Now don't go no where cause that wasn't all of my greatest adventures. More things hit me soon enough. Yessiree, there were shore more. A lot of times when we was livin in Dan's new cabin I would go out into the big green medow. Now Leutenint Dan, he is always tellin me not to on account of there might be wolfs in the medow, but I tell him that I haf to go to see my new friends. They is Billy the Bird, Leo the Cat, and Bruce the Duck (I named him after the duck I had when I was a doctor). Dan says I is crazy to be friends with wild animals, but I don't mind. Also, just past the medow they is this burger restaurant an on Teusdays Bob the Janitor plays polka music there, an you know how much I like polka music.   
  
Well, all went well for a while till one day when we met Seymore. He is a wolf, like Dan says. I dint understand why my friends were so scart. To me it was just a dog. Shore he be growlin at us, but I figger that's how he says hello. But Bruce, he gits so scart that he accidently leaped into Seymore's mouth. I saw a feather stikin out of Seymore's teeth, so I went on home an got some of Leutenint Dan's dental floss.   
  
When I returned, Leo had the wrong idea an startid tyin up poor Seymore. About that time, some hunters be comin an they think that it was me that captured Seymore. The next day, they throwed us a parade. Everyone was there. Billy, Leo, Seymore, Leutenint Dan, Bob the Janitor, the hunters, Bruce (only now he was reincarnated as Shirley Macclaine), some kid named Peter, the world famous composer Wendy Carlos, an even Lisa Frump, who was so proud of me that she came back to me!   
  
After the parade, one the hunters suggested that we should take the wolf to the zoo. And another said we oughta take him to Disney World. An so that's how it all startid. Me, Seymore, an Leutenint Dan, an a guest got to go to a new theme park ever year for free. But the catch is that these are new theme parks an we is like the guiny pigs. So anything that goes wrong will go wrong with us instead of payin customers. An believe me, a lot went wrong! But I'll git to that later.   
  
First they is takin us to a new zoo where they got all kinds of weird animals. We saw iguanas an sharks an poodles an amoebas an alligators an pigeons an aardvarks an cockroaches an vultures an snails an hummingbirds an about 27 other animals. We even saw a unicorn, which is strange cause I thought they was just a mith.   
  
Next, they sent us to Euro Disney, like Disneyland in Europe. Let me say this - it is a bunch of crap. Ain't nobody ever went there all the way up till the day they shut it down. When I came back home, I got me a job workin at the burger restaurant with Bob the janitor. It was an okay job, but it was nothin like the job I got next. 


	7. I Git My Own Tee Vee Stashun

Chapter 7  
  
I Git My Own Tee Vee Stashun  
  
Now let me tell you bout how I got myself my own tee vee stashun. It startid when I returned from EuroDisney an saw an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies on the tee vee. I was so tired from my trip that I just sat an watched all night an all next day. After Beverly Hillbillies, which is about some cowboy who gits rich an moves to Beverly Hills, they is a movie called Gandhi 2 about a bald guy who punches up people an shoots em with this big ole gun.   
  
Now I is so rapped up in television that I missed the news. The past few days they has been yet another alien invasion. This time they was giant hamsters attackin the country. Anyhow when I was outside pretendin to be Gandhi, I accidently punched one of them hamsters an they all fled away. This time, however, they did not give me a reward, just a cruddy trofy. Well, I was almost cured from my tee vee addiction, but when I got home one day, Lisa was watchin Gilligan's Island an when I sat down to watch with her, I couldn't stop watchin. I think I like Gilligan the best cause he is a idiot like me.   
  
Bob the Janitor called me an said we has been fired from Burger World on account of I has been watchin Gilligan all the time an he has been playin accordian concerts an we both been missin work. Now, for money, Bob is playin accordian music as a openin act at Rollin Stones concerts. Since he is openin he gits me in for free. Now this one concert in Boston is what changed my life forever. After it was over, I met up with my aunt, who happened to be at the concert too. I tole her bout my misforshin an damn if she ain't convince uncle Harvey to let me be the manijer of his tee vee stashun, channel 62.   
  
So now, me, Bob, an a janitor named Stanley Spadowski done gone an startid our stashun. Well, we startid with some little shows like "Wheel of Fish," "Secrets of the Universe," "Uncle Nutsy's Clubhouse," an "Those Darn Homos," but the channel wasn't doin any good an Lisa done lef me on account of I forgot her birthday. I is so depressed, that one time on Nutsy's Clubhouse, I just get up an leave in the middle of the show and leave Stanley in charge.   
  
Well, when I return, damn if Stanley ain't turned the whole stashun round. All of a suddin they is people comin in an callin to meet Stanley an we git a whole bunch more good shows an pretty soon we is the highest ratid channel in bout the whole world. Just bout the time I am makin it big they is this other channel, channel 8. An the boss is none too happy bout our success. His name is R.J. Fletcher. What he does is he offers to buy channel 62 from Uncle Harvey. Harvey agrees cause he needs money to pay off Big Louie, who is a gamblin nut. But my aunt got mad at Uncle Harvey an so she says if I can raise $75,000 in two days I can buy the stashun instead of Fletcher.   
  
Now, I thought about gettin into the suedin bidness or the restaurant bidniss again, but finally what I do is start a telethon where we try to sell shares of the company to raise money. Meanwhile, the kidnap Stanley an I dress up as Rambo an save him. Also, Filo the scientist at my stashun, he video tapes R.J. Fletcher sayin how the community is dog snot an crap like that. He shows the tape to people an soon ain't no one watchin channel 8 no more. So when our telethon is almost over, Fletcher comes an tries to stop it. At the last minute, who should show up but Big Louie wantin his money. We is still a couple thousand short of $75,000. We is listenin to Fletcher talk an uncle Harvey is panickin when who should show up but Leutenint Dan hisself, only now he is a bum. He offers to buy $2,000 worth of shares an that's how I bought the stashun back.   
  
Well now that Uncle Harvey's dept is paid an Filo has gone back to Zarcon an R.J. is broke an Lisa Frump done come back to me yet again, I is getting sick of the tee vee bidness. But Lisa says for me to stay, so I do.   
  
Leutenint Dan, besides all them shares he has bought a rolex watch an a pig. He says he bought her from a guy on the street sellin pigs with a big sign that said, "Let Me Be Your Hog."   
  
After the telethon party was over me, Dan, Wanda (that is the pig), an Lisa gone on home. Lisa drove. An let me say this, she drives like crazy! I thought I would throw up all over Wanda. I guess girls drive like that on account of all that lunch makes em sick, which is what I was about now.   
  
When we finally crashed into a tree outside our house, I felt miserable. I hated myself so much like I was just a worthless scum suckin idiot. I felt like blowin my head off, but Dan suggested we should go bowlin instead, which is what we did. After we was finished, I went across the street to Spatula City an bought Bob the Janitor a spatula to thank him for all his help with the tee vee stashun.   
  
The next day, after they was done tapin Stanley Spadowski's Club House, I gave the spatula to Bob along with the deed to channel 62. He was so excited he is bout to bust. He invited me an Lisa to dinner an gave us spam sandwhiches. Let me tell you, that stuff is good! I could've ate a ton of spam. I went back to Big Roy's Heating an Plumbing an ate spam there too. Ever where I went I was eatin spam. I even joined the Spam Fan Club. This went on for a while, but then I got two weeks off work for a vacation. So I decided to take another one of my free guiny pig vacations. So the next day, me, Leutenint Dan, Lisa, an Wanda (she gits to go free on account of she is a pig) set off for the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota.   
  
Now let me say this, the Twine Ball is just bout the most amazing thing I has ever seen. It is bout the size of a mountain. I asked this guy to take a picture of us an he done run away with my camera. The best thing bout the trip is I got to see ole Seymore again. When I saw him I was bout to bust, but then he starts makin trouble. When we git up close he tried to touch it. Well, I tried to pull him back, but I stumbled an accidently pulled down the ropes which was holdin it in place. The whole Twine Ball went rollin away! Everone was chasin me out of the place. They was gonna kill me for sure, so me an Dan an Lisa an Wanda an Seymore hopped on a train that was headin to Seatle, Washington. Later on the news, I heard that they had stopped the ball somewhere in North Dakota. Also, the Spam Fan Club kicked me out of the club, which is what ended that addiction. For a while we just hung out in Seatle. We just listend to tapes of Ricky Ricardo's babalu music. However, we soon startid makin music of our own. 


	8. Why Bob Saget is Mad at Me

Chapter 8   
  
Why Bob Saget Is Mad At Me  
  
If they ever caught me I would be in big trouble on account of makin em lose the Twine Ball. So we had to hide for a while. We stayed in Seatle for a few years then we startid a rockin roll band that we called Nirvana. This was Dan's idea. He gave me the stage name of Kurt Cobaine. We wrote a really good song, but when our first concert came along we all forgot the words on account of we was stage frightened. So what we did was, we just made up a bunch of crap that no one could understand. I guess this sort of caught on cause soon we is real popular an they is a million other groups just like us!   
  
Well Lisa says that we is hangin out with the wrong crowd an she is afraid I might blow my head off on account of I is carryin a gun aroun everwhere to protect my self from people who don't like our music. Also, I have changed cause I used to like tee vee an now ever since the insidint with R.J. Fletcher, I hate tee vee, especially that funniest videos show. Once, I sent a tape of me accidently shooting Wanda in the buttox, but them bastids dint even show it on the show. Well, Lisa had to almost poke my eyes out afore I realized she was right bout how much I've changed.   
  
What happened is I am singing her one of my rockin roll songs bout how I was only kidding bout how much I loved her. She kinda took it the wrong way an left me. Also, noone else liked the song neither an soon our band was a bust, an we is flat broke again! We kinda learned to live off of Oreo cookies, which I figured was pretty good. I ate oreos all the time. But even that got me into trouble!   
  
One day I saw Bob Saget hisself walkin cross the street. He is the guy on the Funniest Videos show. Dan graps him an asked why he ain't used my tape on his show. Bob Saget explains that they can't show people gettin shot on a family show even if it is a pig, but he offered me a spot on his other show. Full House was the name of the show. That was the show with those cute little kids that is now billionaires.   
  
Anyhow, I played a policeman who brings one of the kids home after they been spray paintin. They tole me to wait outside the door til they cue me. Well, from inside I could hear that Bob Saget is tellin the kids bout when he was their age an he had to walk 50 billion miles in the snow an crap like that. It was a long speech so I decided to have a few Oreos while I am waitin. Then some more an more. When they finally cue me an open the door, I has got choclit an white stuff all over my face. Mr. Saget is so mad he chased me all the way home.   
  
Now, I am a good runner, but that Bob Saget he is almost as fast. He kept up with me pretty good while we ran clear back from California to Seatle. When I git home, Leutenint Dan is waitin for me an he says that we is goin on another one of them free trips. So now Mr. Saget is chasin me, Dan, an Wanda all the way to the airport an since they think he is our extra guest, he is chasin us all over the plane too.   
  
Where we went is to a new museum in Mexico called Taco Grande. Leutenint Dan says that means "big taco." It is a whole museum bout tacos. We ran past displays of tacos, burritos, chimichangas, an them cinimin things an I even saw a wax statue of Cheech Marin along the way. Well we finally lost Bob Saget somewhere roun the salsa section. Unfortunately, we also lost pore ole Wanda cause she couldn't keep up. Pore ole Wanda.   
  
Well, anyhow now we is on the plane to go home. They is the most beautiful girl I seen since Melanie. Her name is Amy. I find out she is a flight attendant. That is the person who tells you what to do when the plane crashes. Well, instantly we is a couple. She is givin me all kinds of free drinks an peanuts an coffee. Soon I find I'm goin on all kinds of trips just to be with Amy. Dan says this is stupid on account of we is broke. But I git a job as a pilot so it is easier to be with her. Eventually, she agreed to go out with me outside the airplane.   
  
But when I go to pick her up at her house, she is not ready on account of the shower does not work. It would go on when she'd flush the john an then it wouldn't go off. So what I tole her is that I got a friend from Big Roy's Heating an Plumbin. His name? Ed McMahon from the Tonight Show. As it turns out, some big chinned guy took over for Johnny Carson an now Ed McMahon is working at Big Roy's.   
  
Well, Amy is so impressed by Ed McMahon that she agreed to marry me. However, I think she only did this cause I know Ed McMahon. She is all the time hangin round him an ignorin me. An soon I be gettin this feelin she's tryin to kill me. She says I am just paranoid from when she accidently shoved me down an elevator shaft. But I am startin to worry when I found piranhas in the bath tub an my car breaks was broke. Finally, she broke my heart when she just left me flat. An that's all I got to say bout that. Except that, like Melanie, I would one day git my revenge on Amy. 


	9. Jurassic Park an the Wafflin Bidness

Chapter 9   
  
Jurassic Park an the Wafflin Bidness  
  
I ran into Lisa an tole her bout how I dint really mean what I said bout not lovin her, an she came back to me again. Everthin is goin swell for a while. One time we went to this food festival where we had all my old favorites like spam an balogna an Rocky Road ice cream an ham on whole wheat an rye an keiser an tatters an tacos an Oreo cookies an lasagna. But you know what I learned at that festival? That stuff bout girls eatin lunch is a bunch of bull cause I ain't seen one girl eatin lunch there, except Lisa.   
  
Now when I got home I guess it is time for another trial theme park, cause they is this bearded man named Hammond who is askin us to come to his new park an so we say yes. So there we is at this park. Me, Lisa, Leutenint Dan, Seymore, an some guy named Ian Malcom.   
  
When Hammond is splainin the park to us he says that they is breedin dinosaurs from moskitos. Well, Ian Malcom he is arguin with Hammond on how they is gonna make sure the dinosaurs don't escape the island and start eatin people. Ian Malcom says that if they have baby dinosaurs they can escape on account of the offspring ain't got some kind of poisen or somethin that kills them. But Hammondsays they can't breed cause they is all girls. Then Ian Malcom says that nature will find a way. I think that Ian Malcom is right. It's like Mama always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, random an unpredictable." I tole this to Ian Malcom an he later calls it the Chaos theory an makes hisself famous.   
  
Anyhow, we is goin through the tour, but we ain't seen no dinosaurs. Then we come to the T-Rex pen. Somethin is comin out of the groun an Hammond says that they is feedin the T-Rex. When I look close, I see that it is good ole Wanda herself coming out the ground! Then I hear the T-Rex comin an I jump out of the car to save Wanda. I know the fence is lectrified so I ask the fat guy from Seinfeld to turn it off. After he does this, I leap over the fence lickety split, so to speak. I git Wanda out of there, but by that time the T-Rex an all the other dinosaurs escaped from the fences an is attackin us. One spit some tar or something into the face of the fat guy from Seinfeld. The T-Rex done goppled up Seymore in one bite. Pore ole Seymore. We all startid runnin, except Leutenint Dan on account of he ain't got no legs. Two velociraptors came an chewed off Leutenint Dan's arms an so now he is just a big ole stump with a head. I am panickin an so I do the only thing I can think of. I climb up into the tree an start doin my George of the Jungle impression that I learned from Yoda. After I hit the T-Rex in the head a few times they all start runnin away. So now when we leave the island, they is all congradulatin me an my name is all over the papers like when I stopped them alien invaders.   
  
They is sayin I is real brave an how I is a wild man. An soon it all goes to my head an I start actin like a real nut! I was drinkin milk out of the milk carton, steelin shoppin carts, not rewindin my video tapes an other crap like that. I am livin life on the wild side, so to speak.   
  
Well, Lisa says that this sort of livin is destructive and dangerous an that I should try a new lifestyle, an I think she is right so what I am thinkin is that it would be fun to be like the Flintstones. So that's what I did. I went out an bought a Fred Flintstone costume, painted Wanda purple, an even built myself a Flintstone car. Soon, I is famous again. Everbody in the city came by to see me an take pictures of me an my house. They all thought I was nuts which I guess was true. I was always the center of attention when I dressed like that. Lisa thinks I is getting a big head on account of all the attention. But I dint care. Until one day when my neighbor, Frank, got hisself a new tee vee set.   
  
It was 2,000 inches an pretty soon everone wants to be like Frank an hang around him an they has forgotten all about me. Eventually, I just give up the whole routine an git really jealous of Frank, especially when Lisa leaves me for him. I was really mad. But I would eventually git my revenge on Frank too, just like Melanie an Amy.   
  
In the meantime, I has become so bitter that I decide to stop watchin tee vee for good. So now I just listen to the radio, which I learned was a lot better than tee vee. Then they played a new song called "Achy Breaky Heart." It is a pretty good song is what I am thinking, but then they go an play it some more an some more an some more an soon all I hear is the Achy Breaky song all over the radio. They is playin it so much that I think I is goin nuts. Once I even called the D.J. an say that if he plays it again I will blow up my radio. Well, he plays it again an sure enough, I blow up my radio.   
  
So now that I ain't got no radio I must return to my tee vee. When I turn it on they is Montel Williams askin for people to be on his show. He says he wants the people with the strangest lives. So I call an sure enough he says to come on down to the studio. However, it took me bout twelve million hours to get there on account of the huge traffic jam I has got stuck in.   
  
Well anyhow, I took Leutenint Dan an Wanda with me. First there was these people who sold their kids for cheese an then there was this lesbian Nazi hooker who was abducted by a U.F.O. an forced into weight loss programs. Then there was me. I tole Montel bout my life an at the end of the show he gives me the award for weirdest guest he has ever had.   
  
After the show, I am in the green room (which doesn't make sense cause it ain't even green) an I meet one of the other guests, Meagan. We startid to date for a while. One night when I got home I opened the fridge to get somethin for her an me to eat and you know what I found? A great big sack of green, mushy, hairy crap. I suppose it was Leutenint Dan who left it there on account of he is always savin stuff. Plus he has a hard time cleanin now what with no arms or legs.   
  
Anyhow, bout Susan, she was real swell, til the day that I introduced her to Dan. At first he is kinda lookin at her funny. Then he pulls me over to the side an says, "Ya know, Forrest. She's a mime." Well, I tell you, I was mad. I had wondered why she acted so strange, but I never thought she was a mime. Why she dint just tell me I do not know. Well, now I broke it off right there an got my revenge on her later, along with the others.   
  
Well, me an Dan were takin my pet Harvey the Wonder Hamster for a walk when who should we run into but Forrest 2 hisself! He explains how the pasta bidness had gone bust. Well, we is all wonderin what we is gonna do with our lives an Dan says, "I'm hungry for waffles." An that's when I knew what I was gonna do. We startid a waffle restaurant called "Waffle King." It is a big success.   
  
We make the best darn waffles the world has ever seen an soon we is expandin all over the world. The wafflin bidness is gettin so big that I has to hire a lot of new people to help me run it. I hire the Prince an Princess of England, the hyjacker I met on the plane, Big Roy from the plumbin bidness, Art Fleming an Don Pardo from the Jeopardy show, the Polka band that used to play on 45th Street, Mr. Popeil, Diamond Jim, all them slime creatures from outer space along with them radioactive hamsters, Ed McMahon an Johnny Carson from the Tonight Show, Dr. Jackson from the nut house, Billy the Bird, Leo the Cat, the hunters, Peter, Wendy Carlos, Shirley Macclaine (who used to be Bruce the Duck), the Rolling Stones, my aunt an uncle, Big Louie, R.J. Fletcher, Filo from Zarcon, Stanley Spadowski, an Janitor Bob, whose tee vee stashun has gone bust. Also, I hired Bob Saget from the funniest videos show (who is still a little upset on account of how I messed up his other show), Ian Malcom an John Hammond from Jurassic Park, the D.J. who played the Achy Breaky song, Montel Williams, Lisa Frump, Wanda, an good ole Leutenint Dan.   
  
After I hired all these people, we had a party where the Polka band played some bohemian polka music. 


	10. My Revenge

Chapter 10   
  
My Revenge  
  
Well, for the next few years I was just sittin roun my house not doin much of anything except workin in the wafflin bidness. Everthing was pretty good except ever once in a while I get sad on account of I still miss Ricky Ricardo an Yoda an Art Fleming an Mr. Frump an Seymore the Wolf an Bubba an Jenny Curran an Mama, but I still have all these other friends, so I am happy. They is one important thing that happened in all those years though an that it when I finally got my revenge on Melanie, Amy, Frank, an Meagan the Mime.   
  
First, I put up a fake commercial on Frank's giant tee vee. It is a commercial bout a million dollar spray paintin contest in Singapore. When he sees it, he hops on a plane to Singapore an ends up gittin whupped in the buttox. Then I find out that Melanie an Amy have become ice skaters an I frame Melanie for tryin to knock Amy out of the competition by bashin in her knee cap. Finally, I tole Meagan that her new husband is cheatin on her an do you know what she did? She went an cut off his wiener! Now I don't know bout you, but I think I'd rather lose all my arms an legs like Leutenint Dan than to have someone chop off my wiener. That would hurt like a sombitch.   
  
Well, all these crimes went on their permanent records an I am thinking I have got my revenge. It was another one of my greatest hits.   
  
Now I am runnin the waffle joint an just kind of waitin for somethin new to happen. Meanwhile, I am watchin a lot of tee vee again. I am watchin "Beverly Hillbillies" an "Jeopardy" an "The Tonight Show" an "Brady Bunch" an "The Flintstones" an "Talk Soup" an just bout everthing else except "Gilligan's Island" an "Mr. Popeil" (for some reason I can't find those two on the tee vee). Also, I am watchin "I Love Lucy," which is what my story was bout in the first place. I am watchin so much tee vee I am becomin a tee vee addict. 


	11. Larry, Santa, an the Amish

Chapter 11  
  
Larry, Santa, an the Amish  
  
Well, since I been watchin so much tee vee, I start gettin real sick of it. In fact, I is gettin of sick of teknoligee in general that I just one day decided that I'd leave Leutenint Dan an Forrest 2 in charge of the wafflin bidness an I'd move to Lancaster, Pennsylvania an become an Amish.   
  
Now, let me say this:Bein Amish is no box of chocolates. It is a real hard thing to do. They is all the time makin us pray with these little bibles like we had when me an Mama used to go to church. An when you isn't prayin you is milkin cows or plowin fields or feedin animals or buildin barns or sellin quilts. Also, we is always wearin black coats with no buttons an hats an long beards an the tourist is always laughin at us, but we is not supposed to punch em in the nose. Now, even my new friend, Ezikeil, tells me that I've gone nuts from all the milkin an plowin, which I think is true on account of I start havin these crazy dreams like I did when I was in the Nut House with Dr. Jackson, except they is no Vanna White this time. Now, I am dreamin bout the Tucky Fried Chicken guy an mailin letters to Forrest 2 an bein abducted by aliens an all kinds of other crazy stuff. Also, I git this letter from Forrest 2 saying that the Wafflin bidness has done bust! So, I finally decided to quit the whole Amish bull an go back home.   
  
The first thing I did, after gettin my old job at Big Roy's Heating an Plumbing back, was to go to the dentist cause they ain't got too great of dentists in Lancaster an my teeth have gotten kinda cruddy. It turned out I had twelve cavities an had to git drilt up good. An boy did it hurt! It was so painful I couldn't hardly hear the Muzak. However, I could hear it once while they wasn't drillin an damn if they ain't playin that stupid Achy Breaky song again, which made the whole thing even more painful. It is still hurtin in the mornin so I has to call in sick an stay home all day.   
  
So since I had all this free time, what I did was listened to a bunch of my Alternative CD's like Alanis Morresette, an R.E.M. an Green Day an Soundgarden an Stone Temple Pilots. However, I could not seem to find my Weezer CD, which I guess is okay on account of they kinda stink anyway. Also, I git to thinking bout Lisa Frump again. I really missed her. So I called her up an tole her how miserable I has been since she's been gone. An would you believe it? She done come back to me again.   
  
When Lisa come back to me she brought me a present. It is a CD by "Weird Al" Yankovic. What he does is he take cruddy songs which ain't make no sense an makes em so they make sense. Anyhow, they is this song on there which is called "Gump" an is all about me! I guess "Weird Al" must've heard bout me in the newspapers or somethin. It is a pretty good song. Although why he would want to write a song bout a idiot, I do not know. Anyhow, the song is kinda sad on account of he talks bout Bubba an Mama an Jenny. That got me thinkin bout Jenny again. It's been so long since she died an I really miss her a lot. There wasn't anybody ever like Jenny Curran. Well thinkin bout Jenny made me start comparing Jenny to Lisa an I suddenly realized how crummy Lisa is compared to Jenny.   
  
Well, one day I tole Lisa how sick I am of her an well, she just left me again. An I think she took some of my Alternative CDs on account of I can't find my Pearl Jam CD now. Now, since I is alone again I find myself watchin a whole lot of tee vee again. That is all I do is work at Big Roy's an watch tee vee. I mostly like the syndicated shows like Regis and Kathy Lee an Wheel of Fortune an Hard Copy.   
  
Now one day when I is watchin Regis an Kathy Lee, my tee vee just blowed up. I dint know what to do. I couldn't figure out how my tee vee just blowed up like that, but then I find out that it was blowed up by my new neighbor, Larry. Now Larry was a swell guy I suppose, but he is all the time playin tricks on me. I guess it is on account of I am a idiot an don't git most of his jokes anyhow. He one day pulled my pants off an posted pictures of me all over town with no pants. Another time, he made these brownies, which made me have to take a dump all the time. But his favorite trick was makin prank phone calls on me. He is all the time callin an askin for Prince Albert or Mike Rotch an if my fridge is runnin, however I am always scart to check about my fridge on account of I think that green stuff of Dan's is still in there. I've been kinda scart of food ever since I seen that stuff that was livin in the fridge, which is why you ain't heard me talk much bout food no more. Anyhow, I git kinda sick of the phony calls an so what I do is give him some phony phone number an tell him it is my new phone number.   
  
Just bout that time, it was bout time for us to take another one of them free trips. This time, me, Dan, Forrest 2, an Wanda is goin to the North Pole to meet good ole St. Nick hisself. Little was I to know that the number I made up for Larry is really the number for Santa Claus hisself. Well, I guess Larry must've made a whole lot of phony calls on Santa on account of when we git there, St. Nick has gone nuts! He decided to kill all his elves an reindeer an everone else. Even good ole Wanda got shot in the buttox again. Well, he's flyin in his sled blowin everone up an so what I do is I go out an start swingin from the trees doin my George of the Jungle impression an I kick Santa in the head an he dies.   
  
Well, now I make even more money than I ever has an since they decided that I saved the world again, they'd give me Santa's workshop. Plus, Bob Saget decided to show the video of Santa shootin Wanda in the buttox on his funniest videos show an we win the grand prize! Now me an Dan an Forrest 2 an good ole Wanda is livin up in the North Pole. Well, once again I have got a lot of time to think bout Yoda an Mr. Frump an Seymore an Bubba an Mama an Jenny Curran an Lisa Frump. I am wishin that I hadn't tole Lisa what I did. I am also hopin that she would come back to me. But before too long, a new saga would begin. 


	12. Not So Good Advice

Chapter 12  
  
(Not So) Good Advice  
  
I tell you. Waitin aroun has got to be the borinest thing on the planet. That's just what I did for three whole years. Just waitin for somethin new to happen. Eventually it just got real boring sittin up in the North Pole. The Elves would be makin toys an once a year I'd git to deliver em, but the rest of the year I am just sittin roun doin nothin. Well, I got tired of the whole toy bidness an decided to find a new job. I left Forrest 2 an Leutenint Dan in charge of the toy shop. I had a hard time tryin to find a new job until I was at this movie bout James Bond, except in this movie James Bond was a old man with white, silvery hair. Well, this gave me the idea that I should become a spy! I figured I got lots of trainin from being in Vietnam an from savin the planet all them times, so I just went an made myself a private investigator.   
  
My first job as a dick (which is what I am called when I is spyin and such) was workin for this guy who was one of them Star Wars geeks you see dressed as Chewbacca standin outside the theater whenever a new Star Wars movie come out. He was excited cause they was a new Star Wars movie comin out soon, which I thought was weird cause all them actors is so old now. Anyhow, he hired me to spy on the filming of the movie so he could know what's happenin before he sees the movie. So I take the job an go to spy on Star Wars.   
  
Now, let me tell you, that movie looks like a bunch of crap. All I saw when I was there was people walkin aroun an everthing around them is blue. The lightsabers they is usin to fight are just some stupid sticks. Worst of all, they got this little tiny kid playin Darth Vader. Now, I seen Star Wars an Darth Vader is one scary sombitch, but in this movie he is just some little kid. Who would be scart of Darth Vader if they knew he was just a little kid? Well it was just bout that time when the security guards started chasin me aroun and tryin to kick me out of the movie set.   
  
The security guards was chasin me an I had to escape, so I hid in the wardrobe department. Once the guards was gone, I noticed that they was a bunch of women puttin on costumes for the movie. An would you believe it? One of them extras was none other than Lisa Frump herself. Well, I tole Lisa that the guards was chasin me so she helped me escape by givin me this stupid lookin alien costume to wear. I snuck back onto the set wearin my alien costume an that's when I saw George Lucas hisself. He came over to me an looked at me all roun. Finally, he startid smiling an asked if I wanted to be in his movie. I tole him I is not much of a actor an he says that the character I am playin is real easy to play cause he is just a idiot. Well, I say that should be easy for me on account of I am a idiot too! So that's how I got the part of Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars.   
  
Well, after the shootin was over, Lisa was so proud of me that she done came back to me again an we went home. I soon found out that it was her that took my Pearl Jam CD afterall, cause now she is all the time playing Pearl Jam CDs an goin to Pearl Jam concerts. She even has a Eddie Vedder poster on her bedroom wall. She is all the time talkin bout Eddie Vedder an how he's so great, an I am feelin like I am nothin but a little weiner to her. Well, I don't want to lose Lisa again, so I decided I needed to get some help with dealin with her.   
  
So first I went to talk to my Rabbi (I switched to bein Jewish after all that bidness with the Amish an Santa Claus). The first thing Rabbi Schwartz did when I went into hi office was he gave me a big ole hunk of cake. Then he put this little beanie on an asked me what the problem was. Well, I tole him all bout the trouble I have had with Lisa an Melanie an Amy an Meagan the Mime, but mostly bout how Lisa is in love with the Pearl Jam guy. He says I should try to do somethin out of the ordinary an spontaneous to impress her. An so I tole him all bout my life an he agrees that I am already very out of the ordinary. So then he says that maybe I should ask her to marry me. Well, this got me real scart. The last time I got married, Melanie stole all my money. But I got married to her anyhow because Rabbi Schwartz said so. But it still didn't matter on account of she was still obsessed with Eddie Vedder.   
  
So, I decided to try to git some other advice. I did the one thing I always do when I am in a pickle an I need to git my mind off of all the crap: watch tee vee! So I went home an turned on the tee vee an you won't believe what I saw. They is that "Weird Al" Yankovic guy, the one that wrote the song bout me, an he is hostin his own tee vee show. All the time on his show he is tryin to teach a new moral an so I think that maybe they is somethin on one of those shows that could help me. They is shows bout how to deal with bullies, how you should keep promises, an how should always try to do your best, but they is nothin bout what to do when your girlfriend is in love with someone else. So I switch the stashun, and that's when I find it.   
  
It is a whole show bout people whose girlfriends is in love with somebody else! It is called The Jerry Springer Show. At the end of the show they is a phone number for people who want to come on the show to solve their problems, an sure enough I call an get me an Lisa on the show.   
  
Well, first I go on the stage an tell Jerry an the audience bout how Lisa is in love with Eddie Vedder. Then, Lisa comes out an everbody starts booin her an callin her names that I don't want to say. She tells me that she is not in love with me no more an that she loves Eddie Vedder instead. She says she is going to divorce me an take all my money in alimony just like Melanie. Then, Eddie Vedder hisself comes out an starts kissin Lisa. Well, that gits me real mad an I start beatin him up real good. The rest of the show, we is just sittin there while other idiots come out an start fightin each other too. Now, these people are real gross, if you ask me. An when they is sittin next to me I am gettin scart that I'm gonna catch some disease.   
  
After I go home, I am all the time worried that I am gonna git sick on account of catchin germs from all them people at the Jerry Springer show. Also, since I am so mad bout Lisa an Eddie Vedder, I throw out all my Alternative CDs an go back to listenin to polka music. It really helped me git over Lisa, listenin to that music. I guess that's just what they call the power of polka. Anyhow, after all that advice I got from Rabbi Schwartz an "Weird Al" an Jerry Springer, nothing seemed to get better, an I startid thinkin bout Jenny Curran again. They was one kind of advice that Jenny always believed in an that was from the horoscope newspaper. So, I decided to read my horoscope. It said some crap that don't make no sense an could be said bout anybody, but then it said that I should make some changes in my life. An so that's what I did.   
  
Since I had no more money, I decided to git a job in a computer company. I was in charge of deliverin Pentium Processors all over the country. It was a real easy job an I got to see all the new computers when they came out, which was bout ever day! The only bad part bout the job is that, since Lisa took all my money in Alimony I ain't got nothin left, not even my own shoes, so I have to wear that ugly pair of Lisa's old shoes that she left at my apartment. Now, let me tell you, drivin aroun in high heels is bout the hardest thing I ever done. I don't know how people can wear them things. It's like walkin aroun on toothpicks.   
  
Well, I liked my new job an I am gettin to drive all over the place. But sittin in the truck all day an eatin doughnuts all the time ain't no good for you an soon I am gittin as fat as I was when I was in the nut house. My doctor put me on this stupid diet where all I can eat is grapefruits. So here I am drivin aroun all day wearin high heels an with a truck full of computers an grapefruits an soon I just decide that I've had enough of it all an I just keep drivin an drivin an drivin. Not goin anywhere in particular.   
  
I must've drove all day ever day for bout a year, livin off grapefruits. Eventually, people startid followin me like they did when I was runnin all the time. They was a whole bunch of cars an motorcycles an buses an trucks followin me all over. Finally, for no particular reason, I just stop. It turns out I stopped in a little town called Albuquerque, New Mexico. But they really isn't much to tell you bout that. 


	13. The Greatest Story Ever Told

Chapter 13  
  
The Greatest Story Ever Told  
  
I was so sick of all the bidness with Lisa an the truckin job an the grapefruits that I just decided I'd stay in Albuquerque for good. Let me tell you this: Albuquerque ain't no fun at all. I didn't do nothin the whole time I was there. It was real borin. I just kinda sat on my butt doin nothin for four whole years. What a waste of time!  
  
Bout the only thing I did was I startid collectin these Pokemon cards. They is kinda like baseball cards, except instead of baseball players, they has got all these strange little animals on them with some stupid Japineese writin. I has collected bout 127 of them cards, like Squirtle an Bulbusaur an Pikachu an Zaptos an Charmeleon an Mr. Mime an Crabby an Slowking an Elekid an Ponyta an bout a billion others.   
  
Yup. That's bout the only thing what happened in the whole four years. Oh yeah, an I went to see this movie bout Pokemon. I have to say, that's bout the greatest story I've ever heard told! 


	14. Lepers Repel an Poor Dan is in a Droop

Chapter 14  
  
Lepers Repel an Poor Dan Is In A Droop  
  
Now you been listenin to my story for a long time, so I probably don't need to tell you what I do when they is nothin else to do. That's right I get to watchin tee vee again. But this time I ain't watchin all those old sitcoms. Instead I is hooked on these new realutee shows. They is this one with this British sombitch who is all the time tellin people what terrible singers they are. Then they is another show bout this heavy metal rock star who is now a complete nut an can't even work his remote control. He makes me feel like I am smart. Then, I am watchin Survivor an Fear Factor an the Amazin Race. One time I watched this show called Will and Grace. Now all the time my tee vee thinks I want to watch shows about gay people. I am just about ready to smash my tee vee screen in when I see this commercial for a new store. It is a hardware store called "I'll Repair For You." Now the commercial sounds real friendly an so I decide maybe I can just go an buy a new tee vee that don't think I'm gay.   
  
So I went to the store on openin day an walked aroun for hours. It's amazing how much stuff they had in that store. They had trash compactors, juice extractors, toilet seats, electric heaters, an bout 27,000,000 other things. But they dint have any tee vees. What I did find, though was Leutenint Dan hisself! He was in some strange contraption to help him git aroun an account of he ain't got no legs or arms. He is bustin just to see me. We git to talkin bout everthing that happened since I left the North Pole. It turns out, Forrest 2 has got hisself all fat like I did an now he is bein Santa Claus all by hisself. Leutenint Dan decided to move with Wanda down to New Mexico on account of he heard they is a place down there where he could meet more people who is missing body parts. I am real happy for Dan an I tell him so. He ast me if he can borrow some money for some new wheels, but I tell him all I got is five dollars. Then he invites me to this party Saturday night with his new friends. Since I ain't got nothin to do except watch the gay shows my tee vee picks out for me, I saw I'll come. He says I should dress real nice on account of it is a real nice party an I might meet some nice girl there.   
  
So I go home an try to find my very best suit. But unfortunately since I been doin nothing but watchin tee vee an collectin Pokemon cards for four years, my apartment is a big mess. They is garbage everwhere an it takes about all day just to find my nice white suit. Finally, I find it an get ready for the party, but I can't help noticin this strange smell from somewhere.   
  
Well, when I git to the party I am very surprised because almost everone there is missin a body part. Some is missin legs an arms like Dan, but others is missin eyes, ears, noses, butts, an other things I ain't gonna talk bout. It is real gross lookin at all these people with missin parts. It kind of reminds me of that Fear Factor tee vee show. Anyhow, they has got this band at the party who is all a bunch of angry white boys. An they are up on the stage yellin an screamin bout somethin, which I don't understand cause I think the people with missin parts should be the ones upset. But then they start playin some polka music an I am very happy. I start dancin with this one girl but her foot falls off in the middle of the song. I start dancin with another girl an her eyes fall out an right down her dress. Then I turn aroun to dance with another girl an who do I see but Lisa Frump herself!   
  
I said to Lisa, "I dint know you were a leper." An she tells me that she is not a leper, she just came to the party on account of she heard this band was playin at it. It turns out that Eddie Vedder left Lisa, an now she is a fan of this angry white boy band. For most of the party she is just starin at the band. Dan came over to me an he says I should try to win her over. I say, "What can I do? She only likes them singers." An he reminds me that I ust to be in a band with him. So I git the idea to go out on the dance floor in my white suit an sing a song to win Lisa back. I sing bout how her eyes is so blue that they look like my toilet water an bout how I love her like diarrea an bout how she's got Yugoslavian hands an do you know what? She was so impressed that she forgot all bout them angry white boys an came back to me.   
  
I am pleased as punch, except that my suit smelt so bad from being under all that trash in my apartment that everbody at the party passed out an I had to take all the extra pizza home with me. I was eatin pizza everday, not cause I liked it but on account of I had to git rid of it. I ate so much that I got all constapaded. When Lisa came over, I was feelin kinda sick from all the pizza, but she gave me some pepto bismol an I am feelin better. I was just so happy sittin there on the couch with Lisa. Havin her an Dan an Wanda back made me so happy I is about to bust! But then, I saw somethin that changed my life forever. On Lisa's thigh they was the Gump family crest. The same one that me an Mama an Forrest 2 had. I dint understand why Lisa had that crest. So I said, "How come you got the Gump family crest on you?" An she says that it is the Frump family crest, at least that's what her dad tole her. I thought bout this for a while then I remembered Mr. Frump couldn't talk, he could just make that stupid noise. She misheard her dad all that time an her name was actually Lisa GUMP! Lisa is my cousin all along!  
  
Well, I dint know what to do so I ast Leutenint Dan. He says maybe we could move to Alabama so I could marry my cousin. But don't think that is a good idea. I am real upset bout the whole thing, so Leutenint Dan takes me to a amusement park. We go on this roller coaster to cheer me up. Well, let me tell you! It does not cheer me up one bit on account of when we is wheelin aroun Dan rises out of his seat an gits his head knocked off! Now Leutenint Dan is just a big stump with no legs, no arms, an no head an Lisa is my cousin. I am thinkin that things can't possibly git any worse, but then I remember that Dan still owes me 5 dollars. This has got to be the worst thing that has ever happind cause I really needed that 5 dollars. I just don't know why all this bad stuff always has to happen to me, but I am thinkin maybe it is cause I am a idiot.   
  
Well, now I ain't got noone to talk to anymore. Lisa is thinkin it is strange to be roun me an account of how we was in love an we is cousin. Dan can't talk on account of he ain't got a head. Wanda can't talk to me cause she is a pig. An I can't even call Forrest 2 on account of Santa blew up the phone lines after Larry made all them stupid phone calls to him. Also, I can't watch tee vee anymore on account of my tee vee still thinks I am gay, which I am thinkin I might as well be with my luck with women.   
  
So, just cause I ain't got anything to do, I decide to go see a movie. It is a movie bout this kid who is in love with his neighbor an so what he does is he dresses up in spandex an starts swingin aroun like George of the Jungle. He beats up this green guy who looks like one of them Power Rangers. It is a okay movie except they has got this one line that they keep repeatin over an over. I hate when movies do that crap. An that's all I got to say bout that.   
  
But when I was leavin the movie theater, who did I run into but Bob the Janitor hisself! I was bustin just to see somebody that I could talk to. I tell him all bout my bad luck recently. When I tell him bout how I ain't got no more money, he says, "Evil olive. Gift fig. Fleece Elf. Kayak. Lion oil. Lonely Tylenol. UFO tofu. Party booby trap. 'Peanuts Legs' is Gels' Tuna EP. Racecar. Solo gigolos. Straw warts. Taco cat. Tango gnat. Dumb mud. Bird rib. Tuna nut. A Santa at Nasa."  
  
When I ast him what is all that crap he is talkin bout, he says it is all stuff that he sold on this computer website called "eBay." It is a place where you can take any piece of crap that you want an sell it for a bunch of money. Bob says he quit his janitor job an now he is makin all his money from sellin crap on eBay. So I decide that is a good idea. I go home an git one of the Pentium computers out of my truck, hook up the Internet, an start sellin crap. I sell the piece of snot I showed to Ricky Ricardo, a picture of me on Jeopardy, some leftover suede accordian cases, my awards from savin the planet from aliens, hamsters, an Santa, my old cable tee vee, those ugly shoes of Lisa's, signs from my old stores, like Waffle King, Lasagna Twins, and King of Suede, my Velvet Elvis picture, my Twister game, the dental floss I used to catch Seymore the Wolf, a picture of me with the Twine Ball, CDs from my old band, Nirvana, my old gun, a picture of me at Jurassic Park, my Fred Flintstone costume an car, my stupid Weezer CD, which I finally found, my "Weird Al" Yankovic CD, a picture of me at the North Pole, the spy tape I made of the Star Wars movie, my Jar Jar Binks costume, my Alternative CDs, all them extra Pentiums in my truck, all my Pokemon cards, my stupid tee vee that thinks I'm gay, my white suit which still smells on account of the garbage, an some signed pictures of the Prince an Prince of England, Ricky Ricardo, Mr. Popeil, Don Pardo, Art Fleming, Diamond Jim, Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bob Saget, Ian Malcolm, John Hammond, Santa Claus, George Lucas, Rabbi Schwartz, an Jerry Springer.   
  
I make bout a million dollars sellin all that crap an now I am happy again! Lisa is talkin to me again except now we is just friends on account of us bein cousins an all. Bob an me went into bidness together sellin crap on eBay. Leutenint Dan is learning how to git along without any body parts. Wanda is, well, I suppose Wanda is as Wanda does. She is still a pig, anyway. Even good ole Forrest 2 gits hisself a break from makin toys an decides to come visit us. We are so happy we all decide to take another one of them free trips together. This time, we go to France.   
  
Let me say this, French people is the nicest people I ever met. They is all the time followin me aroun takin pictures an wantin my autograph. I guess they heard bout me being a table tennis champion or bout me savin the world all them times. Now I have said it afore an I'll say it again. I am a idiot. An bein a idiot is no box of chocolates. But at least I ain't led no hum-drum life. An the people in France must agree with that on account of they don't think I'm a idiot at all. They think I am a genius.   
  
We like it so much in France, that we all just decide to stay there for a good long time. Me, Dan, Lisa, Forrest 2, Bob, an Wanda. One big happy family.   
  
But then, one day it all changed forever. I went outside one day to git the newspaper and you wouldn't believe what I saw! 


	15. A Very Rare Experience

Chapter 15  
  
A Very Rare Experience  
  
Yessir! It seemed as if I had stood there for a month, just starin like a idiot. I couldint believe my own eyes! Now, I don't know if you've ever had one of them experiences when your whole life flashes in front of your eyes, but this was one of them for me. I remembered the football playin, the war, the time I was a ping pong champion, the shrimpin bidness, Jurassic Park, the wafflin bidness, all the time I saved the world, an ever thing else! It was good to have a bit of comic relief just then, because I knew that after what I just saw, we was about to have a load of grief to deal with. One thing I notice while all this stuff is circlin round my head is that ever thing that has happened in my life has been like a great big, sick pattern. Ever time I meet a woman an fall in love, she goes an leaves me! Just like Jenny an Lisa an Amy an Melanie an Meagan. But Lisa, she always came back to me after a while, that is until we found out we was cousins! Anyway, I'm standin there like a idiot, rememberin all those things that happened to me, when I suddenly remember one of the best days of my life; the day I met Lisa Popeil.   
  
Now, I know I tole you I met her on that smelly ole bus, but there's much more to it than that! It all startid bout the time that ever one was suin me for showin Ricky Ricardo my snot, an callin the Prince and Princess names, an messin up the airplane with my Rocky Road ice cream, an stealing plumbin supplies. Well, after they all sued me I was flat broke, like I tole you, so I just spent most of my time sittin round my house feelin real stupid an havin the blues. I dint go out of the house much and I spent my Friday nights just watchin Star Trek an playin Pacman at the local arcade. I guess you could say I was a nerd for watchin Star Trek all the time, but I was just so depressed. I was so sad an broke, I dint even eat much food. For breakfast, I had Cheerios. For lunch, I had Apple Jacks. An then for dinner, I had Cheerios again, on account of that's all I could afford to buy; Cheerios, Apple Jacks, an Cheerios.   
  
So there I was, left all alone with no way of gettin round again. Yessir, I was real lonely. It had been a long time since I had last seen Jenny Curran, an my empty Coke Cola bottle was lookin mighty good to me. I was thinkin bout startin a orgy on my own with that bottle, but then I remembered what Leutenint Dan once said. He said, I may not have my legs, but as long as I have my little friend, I'm still a man!" I was thinkin Leutenint Dan is right, so I left the bottle alone.   
  
The next day was laundry day. So I grabbed my laundry basket an got on the bus to go to the laundrymat. That's when it happened. I was sittin there on that smelly bus thinkin that I would have to wash my clothes twice on account of them gettin extra stinky from all these smelly people on the bus. I was thinkin that I don't think these people ever take their showers, when I saw the most beautiful women I has ever seen before. It was Lisa Frump. Of course, I immediately fell in love with her, on account of I dint know she was my cousin at the time. I startid talkin to her but she dint seem like she was interested in me too much.   
  
All of suddin, while we was drivin, the bus stopped movin. The bus drive tole us that the bus had broke down on account of the battery bein dead an we was goin to haf to walk. I could see that Lisa was upset, so I stood up an said, "I can repair the bus for you!" I learned how to repair stuff when I was fightin in Vietnam. I would all the time haf to fix Jeeps an planes an cars an stuff. So, I went outside an fixed the bus an pretty soon we was off! I think Lisa was real impressed on account of she startid talkin to me. When we got to the laundrymat, I aksed Lisa if I could take her out on a date, an do you believe it? She actually said yes!   
  
The next day, I was real excited on account of I hadn't gone on a date since Jenny! I spent all day gettin ready for the date. First I made reservations at my favorite restaurant. After that, I bought two tickets to see Lisa's favorite singer, Billy Joel, in concert. Then, I went to the barber shop, but the barber must have been blind of somethin cause he gave me a really lousy haircut. After that, I went to the store an bought the nicest leisure suit I could find. Then, I went to the lot where they was keeping my car an I paid for the insurance with some money that I forgot I had left over from the shrimpin bidness. I called Dan to tell him the good news, an he says I should be very careful and I should do what she says or she won't want to go out with me again. So that's what I decided I'd do. At bout five o'clock I pulled up to Lisa's house in my 1964 Plymouth Belvedere. She got in an we drove over to the restaurant.   
  
When we pulled up to Burger King, Lisa said, "You made reservations here?"  
  
I said, "Yup! It's my favorite restaurant."  
  
"I don't want to eat here," says Lisa.  
  
So I says, "How about Taco Bell or Kentucky Fried Chicken or Wendy's?"   
  
An she says, "No thank you! I don't want to eat fast food!" Well, I remember what Leutenint Dan said, so I aksed her if she wants to call Pizza Quick an get some pizza delivered to my house. She says no, then she says she knows a perfect, romantic restaurant that we can go to. She says, "Take me down to [insert name of city] and I'll show you a great restaurant!"  
  
So, we go down to [ ] and come to this restaurant called "Bernie's Deli." On the sign for the restaurant, it says "Today's Specials: Liver Patte, Corned Beef, and Chicken Pot Pie." Except, it looks like they ran out of "Ls" on account of the first specials said, "iver Patte." I was thinking that it was disgusting that she took me to a liver restaurant, but I again remembered what Dan said, so I kept my mouth shut.   
  
Our waiter looked like that Hammond guy from Jurassic Park, except he was speakin some screwed up language that sounded like Japaneese to me. First, he brought us an appetizer of corn chips with this green crap. He said it was guacamoley, but it looked to me like a bowl of snot! I wasn't so disgusted since the days of playin college football an havin to eat the food in the school cafeteria. But this stuff looked even worse! When I looked at the menu, I finally understood why Lisa wanted to come to this restaurant. They served lunch all the time. An they had a whole lot of different lunches here. They even served breakfast all day too! I ordered some eggs and ham, but when the Japaneese guy brought them out, they looked all green an moldy, so I aksed him to bring me somethin else, like a steak.   
  
Well, I sure was hungry! After eatin Cheerios an Apple Jacks all the time, this was the first real meal I had in a long time. After I finished my first steak, I ordered another one, and then a third after that! I was still hungry, so Lisa an I decided to order a pizza, too. I ordered a pizza with onions, peppers, mushrooms, an cheese. The waiter said, "Don't forget about the meat! What kind of meat do you want?"  
  
And would you believe it? Lisa said, "Do you have any Spam?" Now, if I would've known how great Spam was back then, I would have wanted some too! But my Spam addiction dint start till much later. But you know bout that already.   
  
The waiter, he says they ain't got no Spam, but that they do got the beef. So that's what we get. It looked a little moldy and green when we got it, but I was so hungry, I ate it anyway. Now, let me say this. I have eaten all kinds of pizza in my life, but I ain't never had any pizza that tasted so good! It was so good that I ordered another one! And I was still hungry after that! If I could have, I would have stayed there snackin all night long, but we couldn't on account of the Billy Joel concert was startin soon. For dessert, we had some prune pudding. It tasted like crap and even worse, it made me haf to use the bathroom the rest of the night! I was feelin like crap cause of all the moldy pizza an prunes an steak an guacamoly snot. Lisa dint feel too good neither. She startid burpin in the car an she couldn't stop all the way to the concert. I thought bout callin the doctor, but instead I just stopped at the store and got some Pepto Bismol for both of us.   
  
Anyhow, here we is at the Billy Joel concert. It's what I been waitin for all night. Me an Lisa an some beautiful music. After waiting in line for a half hour, an listnin to Lisa burpin the whole time, we finally got to go inside. And then, Mr. Billy Joel hisself came out an startid playin his music. At first I really liked the music. But after a while, all the songs startid to soun the same. It was gettin really nauseatin an it made my stomach act up again. Here he is playin all these songs bout how he's so great an how we never seen anyone as wonderful as him. What a load of crap!  
  
Well, that's when it happened! Billy Joel is playin this stupid song bout Piano Man, which I am thinkin is a pretty stupid name for a superhero, Lisa is burpin away, an my stomach is spinnin from all the crap we ate for dinner. Then, Lisa is lookin at me an she says, "You light up my life, Forrest." Then she lets out another big belch an that's the last straw! I am gettin so sick that I just throw up right there in the crowd, all over Lisa.   
  
Well, everbody starts screamin an the music stops. Then, Mr. Billy Joel hisself says to me, "Boy, are you alright? Have you been drinking too much?"   
  
An I said, "No, sir. I am just throwin up on account of your music."   
  
Well, he just looked at me for a while, then he just said, "Bite me!" an went backstage. The next thing I know, I am gettin hauled out by security an all these angry Billy Joel fans is chasin me through the parkin lot, tearin my clothes. Then, they start throwin rocks at me! I am runnin to git to my car, an a big ole rock comes an hits me right in the head. Finally, I git to my car, but when I try to start it, the battery is dead. I ain't got no tools with me an I don't think the mob at the Billy Joel concert will help me, so I just start runnin back home.   
  
About six hours later, I walked into the hospital an was standin there waitin for somebody to help me. Now, Mama always said, "Life is like a chocolate candy bar. Sometimes you feel like a nut an sometimes you don't." Well, standin there with my clothes all torn up, throw up all down my shirt, an a big ole lump on my head from where the rock hit me, I felt like a nut! A nurse came an led me into a room. They gave me a psychiatric evaluation an said I was crazy. But I couldn't care less, cause now I git free food an free shelter an I don't haf to worry bout payin my stupid car insurance. And also, I am pleased as punch on account of I have met my new best friend in the hospital: Lisa's dad, Mr. Frump! Well, you know the rest of that story, so I don't need to tell you any more bout that.   
  
Yessir, my life is just a pattern of mess ups and disasters most of the time. But now, here I am livin with Leutenint Dan an Bob an Lisa an Forrest 2 an good ole Wanda in France. Everything was perfect. And now, this happens! Just as I was finishin relivin my live, Lisa came outside. She said, "What's the matter, Forrest? Why haven't you brought the paper in?"   
  
An I pointed an said, "Look!" Well, Lisa just stood there, starin like a idiot just like me. She couldn't believe it either! 


End file.
